What a Bargain!
by Audrey T
Summary: Castiel learns to shop.
1. Chapter 1

The ease at which the newly human Castiel falls into obsession is astounding. The time it takes him to go from 'peaked interest' to 'full-on, bat-shit obsessed' is mind-blowing and, quite frankly, a little scary. And, over the past few weeks, Dean has had a front-row view of the show.

To be fair, though, the shopping thing is entirely Dean's fault. It starts with a grocery list, pinned to the front of the fridge, and a mechanical pencil pressed into Castiel's soft hand. "If you need something, just add it to the list," he says, but he never imagines Castiel would 'need' so much.

It takes a while for Castiel to get the hang of what's acceptable as "Grocery List" items; things like _warmth_, _fresh air_, and _grace_ regularly make the list. It's not until an embarrassing moment* forces Dean to clarify, that more normal items - like cereal (_but not the one that cuts the roof of my mouth, Dean_) - start appearing. After that, it's like Cas can't _stop _coming up with things to add to the list and soon enough, Dean's complaining about the refrigerator being almost completely covered in paper and how as soon as he leaves the house with one list, he comes back home to find that two more have taken it's place and _goddamnit, Cas! I'm not spending every hour making trips to the Shop n' Go!_

About the second time Cas and Dean get into a fight (if you can even call Dean screaming red-faced about 2% milk and Cas asking why he finds milk percentages so infuriating fighting), Sam suggests that Cas just goes along on the next trip and picks out whatever he needs all in one go. Dean's not all for the idea - he's not sure Castiel is ready for the big, bad world in his new, fragile form - but he's also not willing to make small chat with the _Shop n' Go_ clerk for the fiftieth time, so he reluctantly agrees.

The next day, they're sauntering slowly down the aisles of the supermarket (because Sam - who suspiciously opted to stay home on this trip - suggested they go down _every_ aisle) when Castiel gives voice to a question that popped into his head about three aisles back.

"Dean," he says, staring wide-eyed at a fathomless selection of tomato sauce. "Which one?"

Dean easily plucks a glass jar from the shelf and places it into the cart.

Cas watches Dean warily, eyes flickering from Dean to the tomato sauces and back. "Why that one?" he asks. "How did you know?"

Dean shrugs, makes a face like _What, Cas? Who cares?_ The look Cas gives him, obviously _he_ cares. "It's the cheapest, man," he answers. "You gotta go with the best value."

Cas nods solemnly, like these are words of wisdom he must commit to memory. "Yes," he says, eyes a-squint, "the best value."

Slowly (painstakingly for Dean), they make their way through the store. Castiel picks up odd items, like tiny suction cups with metal hooks and grape flavored gelatin mix, and Dean tries to stock up on household staples like bottled water and those peppermint candies he likes to crack between his teeth. When they get to the 'paper goods' aisle, Dean hastily snatches up a couple of packages of toilet paper but is stopped by a warm hand on his arm and Castiel's questioning eyes in front of his face.

"Dean," Castiel says, his word heavy and weighted, "that is not the best value."

Dean blinks twice, shakes his head and drops the toilet paper in the cart anyway. "It's fine, Cas."

"No, Dean!" Cas (almost) yells, "We have to get the best deal." He quickly plucks the offending item out of the cart and places it back in it's spot on the shelf. "There's only six rolls in that package and, look, this one with eight is the same price!"

Dean shifts on his feet. "Okay. Grab a couple and lets go."

Cas reaches for it but then spots another. "Oh. But this one is also eight rolls…and is it bigger? Dean," he says, tugging the sleeves of Dean's jacket, "do these rolls look bigger to you?" He holds up the package and examines the words on it, "What is ply?"

Two hours later, they leave the _Shop n' Go_ with a 48-pack of on-sale Charmin (just 1-ply), a very disgruntled Dean, and Castiel still wondering if, perhaps, the 2-ply would have been better. Twice the ply, twice the deal, right?


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next two trips (each a week apart, since Dean refuses anything more frequent), Castiel gets progressively worse. He brings a pocket calculator and a composition notebook (for the conversion table on the back and note-taking) and spends an innumerable amount of time comparing prices and quantities across the shelves. Whenever Dean tries to hurry him along, he only mutters, "The best deal," and goes on with his comparisons.

Mostly, when he's not worrying about time constraints, Dean let's him do his thing. If playing budget-mom keeps him sane, Dean's not about to take that away. (Besides, it couldn't hurt them to be a little more careful about burning through credit cards). But when Castiel throws in a large jar of store-brand mayo, Dean has to draw line.

"No way," he says, lifting the jar out of their half-ful cart. "Hellmann's."

"But, Dean-" Castiel starts.

And Dean cuts him off before he can even utter the phrase. "Some things you just can't scrimp on. Mayo is one of them."

The confused-puppy look Castiel gives him, he knows he has some explaining to do. "Look. You can't always just bottomline price. Sometimes you gotta think about quality. Like with the mayo, okay? You cannot buy store-brand mayo. This stuff's unnatural enough as it is, you don't go messing around with it even more."

"Quality?" Castiel asks, head-tilt included.

"Yeah. Some brands are better than others."

"Like Hellmann's?"

"Yeah, like Hellmann's."

Dean thinks that's the end of it. But, of course, he's wrong.

It really starts when Cas is let loose on a trip of his own. Dean and Sam are down for a few days (courtesy of a cait sith) and so Cas is left to do the shopping on his own. Dean begrudgingly hands over the keys to one of the bunker's loaners and sends him on his way.

He sets out to purchase some bandages and triple antibiotics but returns with three varieties of each and six cans of air fresheners. (_They sell scented air, Dean!_) Though Dean protests, Castiel makes him his lab rat, using each salve on a different cut. A&D Ointment on a scratch across his chest, Neosporin on a cut across above his eye, and _Shop n' Go__'_s own brand for his scraped knee. He spends the next week carefully examining each laceration for improvement. In the end he decides the Neosporin, though more expensive, does seem to heal Dean up much quicker. On the package, he says, it even claims to reduce scarring.

He also finds that although Airwick is twenty cents cheaper than Glade (which is nearly a dollar cheaper than Febreeze), the penny saved is definitely not worth the coughing fits it induces in Sam. (Also, he's gotten addicted to that lavender and peach air-scent; he finds it very pleasant indeed.)

The weeks after, Dean finds himself inundated with the job of taste taster. He learns that boxed cake is boxed cake, whether it's Pillsbury, Duncan Hines, or Betty Crocker. (Unless, of course, you're talking red velvet*, in which case you'd better stick to Duncan Hines or else you end up with nothing but bitter disappointment and red hands.) He also learns that store-brand honeyed bran and oats is not a suitable substitution for Honey Bunches of Oats, but bleach works just as well if it comes in a Clorox bottle or under any other name.

Cas is angered (and confused) by products for which there is no alternative brand. He researches thoroughly patent law and bitches about how it infringes on consumer choices and market growth. _If there's no competition, Dean, what incentive is there to do better?_ he says. _ How do we keep prices from skyrocketing out of control? It's not fair._

And, of course, there's the issue with honey! _How can it be so expensive across the brands! Why is honey such a commodity? _And then, _did you know that honey is an antibacterial and anti-inflammatory? Did you know it helps with the common cold and coughs? Did you know it's a great conditioner for your hair, Sam? And for your skin? How can they sell honey for just four-dollars a bottle? Those poor bees work so hard and they're dying, Dean! We're killing bees! Do not buy any honey. Do not bring any honey here. Bees are dying for your shiny hair, Sam!_ And then, F_ather help us! Honey farms are what's protecting and keeping the bees alive, Dean. Beekeepers are last hope for those bees, Dean. _And this is where Dean has to put his foot down because _we are not housing a hive in the bunker, Goddamnit!_

_* What is 'red velvet'? Cas asks. This is something for which Dean has no explanation._


End file.
